Feeling It Read online

  I gave Molly a large tip for letting me share the space and, in return, she wrapped up a fresh burger for me. By early afternoon, everything I used was locked away in the trunk of my car and I had time to walk around and see what else the good people of Vergennes had to offer.

  I munched my burger, walking past craft stalls where sellers were showing off handcrafted items, ranging from silver jewelry to crocheted bags and handmade soap. I bought myself some pretty silver earrings shaped like boats. They reminded me of Willa and of how much she’d always loved being on the water.

  Of course, much of my time was spent looking for Logan. I hadn’t seen him all day. He hadn’t once come past my stand. There were no messages from him on my phone, either. I was about to call it a day and go home when I spotted him sitting next to one of the gazeboes, chatting with a couple of his friends and sipping beer from a bottle.

  He wore blue shorts and leather boat shoes that showed off his large calves. His sunglasses were hooked onto the rim of his t-shirts, pulling it down slightly; the memory of how his bare chest felt beneath my fingertips make my hands tingle.

  Walking over to him, I smiled and called out his name. He looked up and waved, but carried on talking to the friend next to him. Rather than showing how hurt I was, I shrugged and walked away. At that, he put down his beer, got up and followed me. He grabbed hold of my arm and whirled me around.

  “Hey,” he said. “Why did you take off like that? You could have come over and joined me.”

  “Looks like you’re already having a great time without me being there,” I said. “You didn’t even bother to come see me all day, so why would I want to spend time with you now?”

  “I came by the stall three times but you were so crazy busy that I didn’t want to bother you,” he explained. “It looked like you had your hands full. I only hope you’d saved me a piece of that vanilla sheet cake.” The smile he flashed would have at any other time caused my knees to buckle but, instead, it seemed to fuel my irritation.

  “No, I didn’t. In fact, I ate the last piece myself,” I said, and before I left him, I offered a parting shot. “Maybe your little friend from this morning could bake you one. Just get her to wear a hair net, though. Can’t have those luscious locks falling into the cream now.”

  He seemed confused as he took hold of my arm again. “Who are you talking about?” he asked. “Is it Maddy? She’s Charlie Edward’s granddaughter. You remember Charlie, right? And Eleanor?”

  “Of course I do.”

  “Well, Maddy was telling me about how they’re doing and how Eleanor was so much happier now that the house was fixed.”

  “Aw, little Maddy must have been just as happy as a June-bug as she sure couldn’t stop giggling while expressing her deep gratitude,” I said in a baby voice while pushing my bottom lip out and making a face.

  I could see his eyes narrow slightly and his expression change, and I knew that I’d hit the mark. I was mad and he needed to know it.

  “You’re acting like a goddamn brat,” Logan said. “Just like the night at the bar when I was playing pool. Don’t forget how that night ended.”

  “What, you’re going to carry me off into the night again and make me yours? Please. I don’t know how I even fell for that.”

  “But you did fall for it,” Logan said. “Hook, line, and sinker. In fact, fuck this. Let’s go.” And, with that, he tightened his grip on my arm and marched off, dragging me with him. I didn’t object as we walked the length of the huge field to the parking lot as I knew better. His words had an air of finality about them, and I knew that if I’d said anything, he would have probably flung me over his shoulder and carried me off in full view of everyone.

  His truck was parked at the edge of the woods, a few yards away from the other vehicles. He walked around to the rear, leaped onto the back and then reached down and pulled me up.

  “This is a view Maddy didn’t get to see,” he said and drew me so hard against his body that we fell onto the bags of sawdust that were covered by dust sheets stacked in the back of his truck.

  Then he reached under my white summer dress and pulled down my panties. He didn’t waste any time, his head disappeared up my dress and in between my legs and, within seconds, I’d completely surrendered to him. He brought me to orgasm in less than a minute and only then, did he unzip his shorts and pushed inside me while groaning into my hair. I held him close, inhaling the scent of him, as he bucked and thrust inside me before tensing, and I felt him flood me, deep inside, before he collapsed on top of me and lay there, panting hard.

  I kissed him and looked up at him as he stared down at me.

  “Where have you been?” I asked, stroking his face, the stubble on his cheeks pricking my fingers. “Why haven’t I heard from you?”

  He paused, pressing his forehead against mine. “I can’t explain,” he began, and he was about to continue when we were both startled by a hand slamming several times on the side of the truck.

  “Logan!” a familiar voice yelled. “Get the fuck out here. Now!”

  “Shit,” we both whispered in unison, and I pulled up my panties and pushed down my dress, while Logan fixed his shorts. We rose sheepishly from the bed of the truck and looked down to see Cheyenne standing there, her hands on her hips and her face contorted into a scowl that was unlike anything I’d seen before.

  “What’s wrong?” Logan asked. “Are you all right?”

  “Don’t act as if everything’s okay,” she spat. “I saw you two leaving and couldn’t believe it when I saw you both getting up here. I know exactly what you were doing.”

  “So?” Logan asked. “We were fucking and it wasn’t the first time, either.”

  Her eyes widened as she looked at me in amazement. “Is this true?” she asked.

  “I can explain,” I began, but she held up her hand and looked back at her brother.

  “All this time I’ve been trying to get you to talk to me,” she said. “I’ve called you, and texted you and I’ve come looking for you because I wanted to make sure you were doing okay. And now it turns out that, for Logan Steele, doing okay means fucking anything that moves and then acting like the whole world owes you something.”

  “That’s not true,” Logan growled. “You don’t know the first thing about me. You couldn’t be more wrong.”

  “Oh yeah? Then how come you can’t talk to me about Willa but you can stick your dick up my best friend’s vagina?”

  “What does one have to do with the other?” Logan asked, raising his voice. “Whatever I do, and whoever I do it with, is none of your goddamn business. It’s my choice and hers, and you need to get it into your head that me fucking someone has nothing to do with Willa’s death. At all!”

  “Bullshit,” Cheyenne said. “You use women like rags to mop up your emotions. You’re becoming a self-centered, all-consuming asshole who doesn’t deal with a single serious thing in his life. Why can’t you just grieve like everyone else and deal with it!”

  “You know, Cheyenne. I don’t need to hear this crap,” Logan said as he jumped onto the grass before reaching to help me down. “You’re so far out of line. Even if I did talk to you, you won’t even be able to hear what I was trying to tell you. I can’t do this. I’m out of here.”

  He turned around and with a quick ‘sorry’ he threw my way, he climbed into the cab of the truck, revving the engine so hard that it caused grass and mud to shoot up from the spinning tires before he pulled away.

  Cheyenne and I were forced to jump out of the way as he shot past us, making a quick exit out of the parking area. We watched as his truck drove along the sandy trail next to the woods, where he then joined the main road and then sped back toward town.

  We both stood there in silence for a few seconds before I turned to Cheyenne.

  “You’ve got the wrong idea,” I said, but she didn’t want to hear it.

  “Your dad’s all better now, right?” she asked, an edge to her voice. “It’s time for you to g
o home. You don’t belong here. You couldn’t get away quick enough once high school was over, and you were very happy to leave us all behind without a second glance. You knew how worried I was about Logan and I told you he was sleeping around to keep from dealing with Willa’s death, and now it turns out that you’re just part of the problem!”

  “You’re wrong, Cheyenne. Please let me explain,” I said. “We’re not doing it to hurt you! We’ve got something between us and he’s not the man you think he is!”

  She glared at me and the sneer in her voice extended to her eyes.

  “Don’t you dare tell me who my brother is! You have no idea about what’s been going on here,” Cheyenne said. “You need to go back to the city. Back to where you came from, where everything’s so easy for you. You’ve done your time, coming to patronize us, so just do us all a favor and get the hell out of here!”

  She stomped off, leaving me standing there, flecks of mud sprinkled across my white dress and my eyes heavy with tears.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  LOGAN

  †

  IT WAS TIME TO set the record straight, to talk to Caitlyn and to stop avoiding what needed to be said. I owed her that much. So, I took the bike from the shed and rode slowly toward her part of town, wondering whether I was doing the right thing.

  I’ve never been one to want to talk about my feelings. But, as we’d lain in the truck after I’d been unable to resist her once more, I was sure I would have let the words cascade from my lips in their entirety had Cheyenne not come and banged on the side, killing the moment.

  In some ways, I was glad for the interruption. Fuck, my feelings for her didn’t even make sense. Maybe I just needed to take a step back and really think this through.

  Was it possible to fall in love with someone this quickly?

  Maybe it happened so fast because I’d actually known her for most of my life and that’s why it all felt so natural with her. Yes, she was absent for a couple of years when she left, but that didn’t mean I forgot who she was. She was beautiful even before we started all this, but, back then, she was my sister’s best friend and just one of the family. A lot has changed in a very short time, though, and I wanted to see if there was anything to this. Whether she might feel the same.

  I parked the bike across the street and walked over to Bill’s house, my hands pressed into the pockets of my jeans as I strolled up to the front door. I noticed that the porch swing was swaying a little and, looking down, I saw Caitlyn’s shoes laying on the floor in front of it. There was a glass of iced tea, half-drunk with the ice cubes still solid, next to it and a book placed on top of the seat, the pages splayed.

  The front door was slightly ajar and I slowly pushed it open. The television was off, and I heard a voice coming from the kitchen. It was Caitlyn. I thought she was talking to her dad, but I soon heard that the conversation was very one-sided, and I realized that she was talking on the phone.

  “Yes, that’s right,” she said. “I used the recipe I’ve been taught, but I tweaked it a little to make it even lighter and then also added an extra layer on top. The structure of the cake is easier to work with when you add a fourth layer, surprisingly.”

  There was a short pause and then she laughed. “Wow, thank you. I have to say that’s the best compliment I ever received.”

  I shouldn’t have been listening, but it soon became clear that whoever was on the other side of the line had been at the festival and had sampled a few of her pastries. I could hear the excitement in Caitlyn’s voice as she replied to the caller.

  “Oh, my goodness!” she cried. “Assistant pastry chef? Wow, that’s quite an offer, Sir. No, I’m salaried at Revellier’s. We’re a team of twelve and we work under the supervision of an Executive Pastry Chef and his assistant. It’s sort of the plan to work my way up but neither of them seems keen on leaving anytime soon.”

  She paused, and I could hear a slight trembling in her voice.

  “Of course, I’d love to come for an interview. I wasn’t looking to leave Revellier’s at this time, but with this kind of offer, I’m not sure I could say no to meeting with you. Thursday? Of course, I’ll be there. You’re on College Street, right? Yes, I know it well. Thank you so much! I’m so excited to come to Burlington and meet with you!”

  She hung up, and I could hear her squealing with excitement. “Calm down,” she whispered. “It’s only an interview.”

  A cold feeling hit my stomach as the realization struck me that what I’d just overheard, could change everything. I nodded to myself, thinking very carefully about what my next words were going to be before walking back to the front door and pretend as though I’d only just arrived. “Knock-knock!” I called. “Anyone home?”

  Caitlyn opened the door and she seemed flustered, but when she saw me, she immediately became a little weary and slipped the cell phone into the pocket of her jeans. “Logan,” she said. “I wasn’t expecting to see you this early after last night. Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m fine,” I said. “Can we talk for a second?”

  “Sure. Let’s go outside.”

  “Everything okay? I thought I heard you talking to someone,” I said, giving her an opportunity to tell me about the phone call, but instead, she just shrugged.

  “Oh, that. Yeah, it’s just work,” she said, dismissing it with a wave of her hand. “Nothing important. So you wanted to talk?”

  When I came over here, I saw this play out very differently. But, seeing her hesitation to share such important news with me just added to my doubts about whether I would be doing the right thing telling her how I felt.

  And, even if she felt the same, it didn’t really matter now. It was clear that her dreams were coming true and because I cared so much for her, I wasn’t about to ask her to do something she wasn’t ready to do.

  I couldn’t bring myself to sit down next to her on the swing, so, instead, I leaned up against the porch railing, my hands gripping the wooden beam behind me. Then I took a deep breath.

  “You know, I actually just stopped by to say goodbye,” I said. “You’re leaving the day after tomorrow and a big job just came up for me out of town that I’d be crazy to turn down, so, I’m leaving and just wanted to drop by and say bye before I do.”

  As I spoke the words, a heaviness crept over me like a dark shadow, gripping my heart and dragging it down into emptiness.

  “No! Logan!” she said in disbelief. “I was looking forward to spending these last couple of days together? There are things we need to talk about. Things I want to say to you. You can’t leave now. Not like this!” Her voice was soft at first, but as she continued, it became louder. The look of shock on her face just added to the weight of the feeling that swept over me.

  “Look, I’m all packed,” I said. “Besides, it’s a lot of money and I’m not about to turn it down. That’s all there is to it.”

  “That’s all there is to it?” she said, repeating my words. “Really? You just going to walk away as if what we shared these last couple of weeks didn’t mean anything?”

  “Well, I won’t deny that we didn’t have fun, but it’s over”, I replied. I felt sick for lying to her. I pressed my lips together, looking down at the floor and shook my head.

  “Don’t complicate things, Caitlyn. It’s simple. I have my job and you have…” I bit my tongue, stopping myself just as I was about to give away the fact that I knew exactly what she was going back to. “Well, you’re going back. End of story. I’m not good at goodbyes and really need to hit the road, so, let’s just keep this short. Look after yourself.”

  With that, I stood up, reached down and placed a kiss on her forehead. Then I turned and headed down the porch stairs. I felt like a fucking coward and I knew I was, but I just needed to get away. I couldn’t stand seeing her so confused and hurt.

  I heard her jump up, the force of it causing the swing to knock against the wall at the back of it.

  “Wait, Logan!” she cried. She ran past me
before whirling around and putting her hand against my chest, stopping me in my tracks. “Are you shitting me? It can’t just end like this. I mean, surely there was more to this than just having fun. This doesn’t make sense! We haven’t even talked about the future, maybe seeing where this could go. Montpelier is not that far away. Can’t we at least just try to figure this out before you leave?”

  I pushed her hand away and stepped around her. “Sorry, I don’t do long distance. It was great while it lasted, but that was all it was. We both knew you were back in town only for a while and I thought there was a silent understanding between us that it would only be a short-lived thing. Don’t make more of it than it really is.”

  I didn’t look back as I walked away, but she didn’t stop.

  “No, Logan. Please. I could stay!”

  And that’s exactly what I didn’t want her to say. I spun around.

  “You see, that’s just it. There’s no choice here Caitlyn. It’s simple. You have a job and you need to go back. I have the same. Don’t make some hasty decision that you will just regret in a couple of months’ time. Fuck, you worked hard for what you’ve achieved. Don’t throw it all away just because of some holiday fling.”

  “You don’t understand. It wasn’t just a holiday fling to me!” she yelled. “I think there’s enough between us to make me want this to work. Give it a chance. Don’t you feel the same? Fuck, I can call now and tell them I’m not coming back and maybe I can start something here.”

  Seeing her like that, hurting, angered me; this whole fucking situation angered me! But I’d’ rather see her hurting now and walk away than there being a deeper wound down the line.

  You see, if she stayed because of me then it will all be on me and, if anything went wrong, or she didn’t pursue her dreams, then I’d be the one who’d need to carry the blame for it and I wouldn’t be able to deal with that resentment. No, I couldn’t be the reason for her staying, but she didn’t understand that, yet. She needed to stay for the right reason.